why

because it feels good; 
because it gives me an erection;
because it makes me come; 
because I'm sick; 
because there is so much sickness; 
because I say FUCK THE SICKNESS; 
because I like the attention; 
because I was alone a lot;
because I was different; 
because kids beat me up on the way to school;
because I was humiliated by nuns;
because of Christ and the Crucifixion;
because of Porky Pig in bondage, forced feed by a sinister creep in a black cape;
because of stories of children hung by their wrists, burned on the stove, scalded in tubs;
because of Mutiny on the Bounty;
because of cowboys and Indians;
because of Houdini;
because of my cousin Cliff; 
because of the forts we built and the things we did inside them;
because of what's inside me;
because of my genes; 
because of my parents;
because of doctors and nurses;
because they tied me to the crib, so I wouldn't hurt myself;
because I had time to think; 
because I had time to hold my penis;
because I had awful stomachaches, and holding my penis made it feel better;
because I felt like I was going to die; 
because it makes me feel invincible;
because it makes me feel triumphant;
because I'm Catholic;
because I still love Lent, and I still love my penis, and in spite of it all I have no guilt;
because my parents said BE WHAT YOU WANT TO BE and this is what i want to be;
because I'm nothing but a big baby and i want to stay that way, and I want a mommy forever, even a mean one, especially a mean one;
because all the fairy tale witches, and the wicked stepmother, and the stepsister and how sexy Cinderella was smudged with soot, doomed to a life of servitude;
because of Hansel, locked in the witch's cage until he was fat enough to eat;
because of "O" and how desperately I wanted to be her;
because of my dreams;
because I've got an active imagination;
because my mother bought me Tinker Toys;
because hardware stores give me hard-ons;
because of hammer, nails, clothespins, wood, padlocks, pullies, eyebolts, thumbtacks, staple-guns, sewing needles, wooden spoons, fishing tackle, chains, metal rulers, rubber tubing, spatulas, rope, twine, C-clamps, S-hooks, razor blades, scissors, tweezers, knives, push pins, two-by-fours, Ping Pong paddles, alligator clips, duct tape, broomsticks, barbecue skewers, bungie cords, sawhorses, soldering irons;
because of tool sheds;
because of garages;
because of basements;
because of dungeons;
because of The Pit and the Pendulum;
because of the Tower of London;
because of the Inquisition;
because of the rack;
because of the cross;
because of Addam's Family playroom;
because of Morticia Addams and her black dress with its octopus legs; 
because of motherhood;
because of Amazons;
because of the Goddess;
because of the moon;
because it's in my nature;
because it's against nature;
because it's nasty;
because it's fun;
because it flies in the face of all that's normal - whatever that is - because I'm not normal;
because I used to think that I was part of this vast experiment and there was this implant in my penis that made me do these things, and that allowed THEM ( whoever THEY were)to monitor my activities;
because I had to take my clothes off and lie inside this giant plastic bag, so the doctors could collect my sweat;
because once upon a time I had such a high fever, that my parents had to strip me naked and wrap me in wet sheets to stop the convulsions;
because my parents loved me even more when I was suffering;
because I was born into a world of suffering;
because surrender is sweet;
because I'm attracted to it;
because I'm addicted to it;
because endorphins in the brain are like a natural kind of heroin;
because I learned to take my medicine;
because I was a big boy for taking it;
because i can take it like a man;
because as somebody said HE'S GOT MORE BALLS THAN I DO;
because it is an act of courage;
because it does take guts;
because I'm proud of it;
because I can't climb mountains;
because I'm terrible at sports;
because NO PAIN NO GAIN
because SPARE THE ROD AND SPOIL THE CHILD;
because YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONE YOU LOVE.


(why - bob flanagan "supermasochist", 1985)